Ci(e)tate celebre

Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don’t let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.
Clifford Stoll

I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns

I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.
Woodrow Wilson

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields

We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.
Alanis Morissette

Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

The language of friendship is not words but meanings.
Henry David Thoreau

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

The good news about computers is that they do what you tell them to do. The bad news is that they do what you tell them to do.
Ted Nelson

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
Charles M. Schulz

Women are like teabags. We don’t know our true strength until we are in hot water!
Eleanor Roosevelt

A film is a petrified fountain of thought.
Jean Cocteau

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Mark Twain

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

I like children – fried.
W. C. Fields
Recession is when a neighbour loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
George Bernard Shaw

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Lily Tomlin

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
(Steven Wright):)))

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.(Emo Philips)

Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O’Rourke

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
Carl Sandburg

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
James Thurber

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields

I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
(Mark Twain) :))))

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.
Paula Poundstone