Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don’t let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.
I like marriage. The idea.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields
We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.
Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
The language of friendship is not words but meanings.
Henry David Thoreau
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
The good news about computers is that they do what you tell them to do. The bad news is that they do what you tell them to do.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
Charles M. Schulz
Women are like teabags. We don’t know our true strength until we are in hot water!
A film is a petrified fountain of thought.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
I like children – fried.
W. C. Fields
Recession is when a neighbour loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
George Bernard Shaw
A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.(Emo Philips)
Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O’Rourke
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
(Mark Twain) :))))
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.